Yup i am somehow still marvelously ill!

Been drinking lots of Honey and Lemon and bought Sudafed yesterday to help lift the anvil off my face
Hopefully i should start getting better seeing as i've passed my cold onto Mark. He was warned i was ill though and said he didn't care So it's his fault he's ill now.

It was nice yesterday sitting by the fire, even though i felt and looked like death ><

Feeling really positiveish today.
Maybe its the fact it's Sunny out.
Or the fact yesterday i didn't feel Eating Disordered.
Don't get me wrong, i felt fat cause i ate, but i dont know.. its weird.

There's an open day at a college i might apply to on June 21st.
Even though im scared of starting up college again i think it might help me become as ED free as possible.
If i can manage to eat whilst im in College, then i think i can get my eating to a normal equilibrium.
Problem is when im around people i generally go into automatic starve mode. Which either leads to more starvation, or hunger attacks when im alone.

Even though i've eaten plenty this week, trying to swallow down both the illness of my body and mind, i had promised myself that i would eat at the BBQ for Rhiannon.
And even though Rhiannon didn't come cause she stayed with her cousins Morgan and Charlie, i wanted to keep that promise. It worried me alot... the things i see in her eyes. I know she notices my ED. She may not understand it, or know what an Eating Disorder is, but i know that she sees and worries.

I get worried i'm infecting the boys too. Lewis has always been a very weird eater, which i wont get into. But Shaun was having head aches and fainting spells. And admitted to the doctor that he'd been skipping meals and then snacking on junk. Stew and dad will say things in passing about Weight and Eating, that normal people wouldnt pick up on, or just see as a joke or normal. But its something i get very defensive about, especially if its aimed at someone else.

Shaun doesnt have the metabolism or genes to be a stick, and he knows that, but it doesnt mean it makes it any easier on him. I want him to love himself and not care about how he looks, but i dont think the Dad's see that just because they dont care if they have a 'big belly' or a 'hearty appetite' other people would like those labels on them.
Shauns a very sensitive and emotional boy and i know that weight is and is going to be a very big issue for him. I don't want him to see me with the same problems. The more Eating Disordered i am, the more he will see of it, and the more it will affect him. I know i will never be normal, and 99% of the time i feel that its physically impossible for me to eat like 'normal' people do.
But i really think college and being out everyday and having my routine back will help that. And then i can maybe save the kids from having any weight issues, however impossible.

Anyway.. that's enough of my rant
I need to go have some breakfast/lunch and i might sit out in the garden later to a good book.

I hope you're all okay...
I hope you can all keep fighting, and if you cant i hope you can call on someone for help.
I hope you can all get the happy lives you deserve
And relationships are strong, trusting and loving.

Peace out my kindred..