.

It's nearly 3:00am.
I hate and love that time. I dont know why.
I used to wake up alot at that time when i have broken sleep.
It's weird.
4:00am was always a better but weirder hour.
I always used to get a hot flush at 4. Convinced that in my part of the world the degrees suddenly went up in the house for an hour.

Don't really want to sleep tonight.
Written some... things... but they're just unfinished crap.
I'm trying to get it out.
I'm trying not to run.
But i feel i'm going to have to.

I regret giving up some things now.
Things im not worthy of but somehow got back.
I just don't know much anymore.

It's been a tough day.
Maybe it's the fact im ill and drugged up on Cough syrup
But i just.. can't think.
Everything contradicts as it always does
And when i write i can't make much sense of anything.

Been listening to alot of P!nk today.
I love her.
Her music has got me through alot.
Since Tracey stopped.. loving me, i couldn't listen to her.
Because we went to the concert together in the November after my first hospital admission.
When i saw her that Wednesday ago, she put P!nk's M!ssundastood album on in her very yellow car.
That was the album that got me through stuff in the past.
The concert we saw was her tour for her new album I'm Not Dead.
Which was ironic cause it came out the time just before i took an overdose. So going to the concert after coming out of hospital for an OD seemed very ironic to me.

So instead of going upstairs for her albums - i have all four - i checked them out on YouTube and found a song that is only on the US Platinum edition of I'm Not Dead.
It's an amazing song.. Heartbreaker.

Anyway.. once again she's helped me.
But the one thing i really need to be i can't.
The one thing i know that would make her proud of me.
But by god i've tried and i just cant do it.
I suppose at the end of the day, i always do it for other people.
And end up regretting it.
I suppose in some ways i'm giving up more and not getting equal benefit in return.

I suppose i should sleep tonight, try.
I'll try around 5/6. When the sun starts to come up.
It's always easier then.
It's strange.
Because i feel safer in the dark.
Walking outside, seeing the moon, how it makes everything so beautiful. The artificial lights we have everywhere.
But to sleep, the day always feels safer.

I still haven't applied for college.
Though i have printed off forms.
And im too scared to phone up Hypnotherapy since it's been so long. I'm afraid he'll be disappointed in me because i forgot to phone and cancel a session when i went to devon.
I've been thinking about going to therapy again today.
I don't know why, i hated therapy. The only person i'd trust talking to is Andy. Andy isnt like most therapists in some ways.
He'll analyse you, but he'll tell you he's doing it.
He'll tell you his conclusions, and he listens when you say they're wrong. He also likes to push and ask questions.
Also i know i have control with him some what.
I know i can poker face him and he cant get anything from me.
It didn't work so much with Harvey Jones cause they'd keep yabbering on and on and on.
It drove me insane. Im sure they tried to irritate me on purpose to get me to talk at times.
And the only therapist i liked talking to up there i got bumped from.

Gah anyway. Enough of therapists.
I suppose there's only one reason i want to go talk to them.
But i know it'll be harder doing it with them.
And i also know i wont do it.
I also know with my history, they'll bug me about ED's.

So yuck.. enough of rambling and nonsense.
Got to get through another 3 hours before i can fade away and hopefully not dream. Dad comes home tomorrow, and in most ways i wish he wasnt.

Okay.. so.. its gone three now.
Goodnight, Good morning and Good afternoon. (Depending on where you are of course)