Tracey has changed in a few ways, and some of her old ways have become more extreme... but in her core i think she still loves me.

Wednesday was a good night and a bad night at the same time.
I drunk way too much and can hardly remember all that happened, which is strange for me.

I apparently kissed Tracey twice, some dude called Nathan a few times, some dude named Kyle a couple times, some other guy, some black guy, some other guy and a girl called Sarah.

Tracey took me home early... which now i think back on it im glad.
I seemed out of control and some of the things Tracey told me i had said to her are awful.

I definately wasnt me.

And out of it all i think was it really worth it?
Is Mark really worth letting some guy stick his hands down my trousers cause i was too drunk to do anything?

It's given me a bit more confidence... and yes i feel more loved.
Like a program in my head, im sick and twisted and in many ways i think if someone fucks me then they love me.
I know it's because of Admition and other things that make me feel like that, but i cant get it out of my head.
And for once in my life people seemed to want to fuck me, and i didnt... don't give a shit what happens to me.

But two days later and im still feeling nautious and im just thinking is it all worth it?
Starving myself and fainting, making my friends break down with worry?
Taking overdoses, or getting pissed in the hope that maybe someone WILL rape me, so that for a second i can feel loved.
I can feel like someone loves me.

Some people say i'm strong.
But im not at all.
And im sick of being a victim.
I've known since i was a child that you can't trust anyone.
That 'Always and Forever' doesnt exist.
But i always craved that sickly stuff called love.
And let myself get hurt over and over.

I don't know how to live in a world that is like this.
I really don't.
But there's some stuff i want to do first, and im going to live.
I dont regret Wednesday.
It's taught me and helped me alot.
I just wish i hadnt gotten SO drunk.

I hate promises, yet i always make them to people.
Promises give me security, yet i can never believe them unless im the one saying them.
So i suppose from now on, the only promise im gonna make, is to make no promises.

Im not going to let things stop me from living.
Im not going to let pain control me.
Take over me.
And im certainly not gonna let myself become dependent on anyone.

It may mean i can never truly love someone...
But ... i know that i will never be able to live if i do.


So that's it from me.
Except im going to London tomorrow and seeing wicked with Sarah and her family!
Trying to eat more, and will.
I want life to be how it should be.
And i will make it happen.

So love to everyone... xxxx